Fight Back the Worry - December 9, 2015

I am job hunting now, after such a long break.  Wow! Two months, so long!

There are so many things that I settled within myself that needed to be tended to, much self-reflection (what else is new), working on projects I wanted to focus on, and realizing who I want to be.  The rest was very good for me.  And now, I have only applied to two jobs that I thought would be really exciting but heard nothing back.  

At first I was a little sad, and was even having the snowball negative effect of thoughts beginning to stomp and attempt to stampede: flashes of maybe I am not good enough to the world, and that after all the hard times I went through its about to get worse, and that this is all my life will be, one hardship after another and if I don't work right away what will happen to me?  That flash of getting upset with myself came to me wondering if this was a mistake to rest for two months was taking a bad a hold on me, it still kind of lingers at the moment. Grant it it has been eleven years and I knew if I didn't rest I may end up worse without taking one after losing my Mama and everything else I had lost in the past four years, then where would I be with myself? Probably tied in a jacket and pumped with drugs. The thought makes me laugh.  

Now at the moment, when I get anxious or upset I change my focus and meditatively pray.  That doesn't mean the negative thoughts, bad dreams, or worries go away, but refocusing to positive thinking, prayers, even daydreaming of funny or fantastical notions helps.  And it is a lot better than the alternative which is let everything bad overtake me and then I go crazy and am never heard from again.  

Keeping in the positive and bubbly after one crisis after is not realistic, even though that is my natural state,  and that's only because of all I have endured.  I am slowly recovering (it takes awhile to be put back together, even for myself) but I am in a bit of  a cycle of where I am happy and over the moon to suddenly if any inkling of bad is within my perimeter I get into ugly-thoughts mode and then I am physically unwell for a moment; followed by bad dreams it seems.  However, I am doing whatever it takes to fight back when it does.  That's what is important to me that I haven't lost yet, even in moments of despair: faith, hope, love, and optimism.  Let that never be taken away from me.  Otherwise I will worry!!!


~Ange.


Copyright 2015 Lucky 33: Stories, Experiences, Perspectives, and Opinions of a Woman Who Made It To Her Thirties